I’ve been dealing with burnout for several years now. And I mean real burnout – not “I’m exhausted and need a vacation,” but something I can only describe as a state of mental and physical collapse in which the body forces rest by speaking no longer and mean it very seriously. That’s something debilitating that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Looking back from where I am now, I can see so many signs that I was slowly breaking down and yet continued to push myself beyond my limits. I remember feeling like I had to take long breaks, but that didn’t offset the pressure I was putting myself under. Then, in March 2024, I reached the point of complete collapse. That was impossible any Work, be it engineering, writing, farming or housework. My body and mind were broken and the only thing I could do was rest. And how terribly I fought against this need for rest. My identity has long been based on productivity, efficiency, effectiveness and the ability to excel and outperform others. At that time, I couldn’t even care for myself or my children.
Towards the end of 2024, I felt like I was making progress. The work pressure had not eased, but had actually increased after almost a year without work. I felt like it was me starting I felt better and I thought maybe I could work more relaxed again – maybe just 2-3 hours a day would be doable. However, I hadn’t really addressed the underlying issues with my work habits and quickly fell back into the same habits and energies… with a predictable result. At least I realized what was happening much sooner and was able to take a step back before I fell back into the same broken state. Because there is a very real fear of having experienced such a state of complete incapacity: Next time I may not be able to come back. You absolutely cannot afford to go back there, for the sake of your own well-being and for the sake of those who depend on you.
This rollercoaster ride continued again and again in 2025. I tried writing and working on courses, but then I felt the pressure and stress and had to stop. I started leading burnout support groups and that became another source of pressure. I did too many things, had too many loose ends, didn’t make enough progress. I felt the pressure coming back and straining my body. So I decided to focus on something completely different, at least for a few seasons: farming. If I can’t do engineering safely, I can at least do work that doesn’t involve all of these problematic habits. I can enjoy the beautiful days outside and deepen my connection with nature. Of course, starting a new business in the physical space also involves a lot of work and pressure, and I should have foreseen that. There is pressure and overload in agriculture too, but much of it is time-bound and seasonal, with periods of calm and slowness in between. In the end it was quite good for me.
Now that the farming season is coming to an end, I find myself drawn back to engineering work – at least for the fall and winter seasons. People have started asking for updates to the course material. I still have a lot to offer and to teach. But I’ve been pushing myself too hard for so many years, like a machine, and I just can’t do it anymore. Literally. When I try to push myself the same way I used to, my body goes into burnout mode and shuts down.
This leaves pressing questions in my mind. What needs to change so that I can approach this work safely and not cause further harm to my body, mind and family? What does it look like to work peacefully, comfortably and harmoniously?
I will explore this in many posts to come. This will be different content than what you may be used to on this website or in the technical area. But that’s where I’m at right now and that’s what I’m going to explore. Maybe there are others out there who feel the same way. I hope it provides you with value.